The toughest decisions in Life

Are any of you indecisive? Unsure? Do you question or doubt yourself or your decisions? I am in such a state of unsureness that I change my mind often. Not for things that don't matter. Like I chopped off all my hair yesterday. Well, 4-5 inches of it. It now sits high above my shoulders and that was an easy decision- because hair grows back.  We sold our old home and bought this house with ease and not much second guessing because wherever we live, it will be a home.

You don't get back time, however. You can't rewind it and there are no do-overs.  And my indecision has been with keeping Ava at home full time or sending her to daycare 3 days a week (20 hours a week about).  I've written down all the pros and cons while highlighting all the wonderful things she'll get out of it, but they feel like words on a piece of paper.

How is this making me feel? What is my my heart saying? It's been saying she should be with her mama. Especially because that is what she wants. Charlize was 2 and ready to start school. She was and is incredibly independent and 3 years of pre-school at Montessori was perfect for her. I went to design school (the reason she began at 2) and I also worked part-time. Brooklyn also went to a french home daycare and did 1 year at a french subsidized daycare, and did very well. She also went into school understanding and speaking french.

Ava, obviously, is my baby. I do try not to treat her that way because I know a lot of children can get spoiled being the baby of the family. Let me tell you though it absolutely breaks my heart when I've said no to a chocolate bar and she hangs her head low and cries. Like awful. I know it's the best thing for her though since I already bought her a stuffed animal, and a colouring book.

Avangeline, like many young children, is like a ray of sunshine. I tell her all the time "you melt my heart", through tears of joy, because she does. She is a lovely, sweet little girl, that I wish I could keep innocent and little forever.  I can't entirely say that once she starts school it'll all be lost. Because it wasn't lost on Brooklyn. She still loves me so. But it's like they aren't so little anymore once they begin school. So I want to hold onto that 1 year I have left with my baby. Time flies, so I know it'll go fast either way. I want to savour it.

I know in the long run I will never regret the decision of keeping her home with me. I know, however, I may regret not keeping her home. I look back at pictures and I can't believe how quickly my babies grew. It goes incredibly fast. Like lightning speed. I know it never felt that way the years I spent awake with them at night. That felt like forever, LOL.  But those stages do pass quickly enough and the pre-school years can be the most fun. You are still their universe (before they go to school and are introduced to a whole new one!)

Does this sound selfish? Is love selfish? It could be, but not with your children. We sacrifice so much, and are unselfish in so many ways that this just makes sense.

Will it mean putting off my career another year? Maybe. Maybe not. I still have this blog, which I can't even begin to tell you how much I pour whatever is left of me, in here. I appreciate my readers, all their kind words, and their pointing out of things I've left out! Which happens often ;)!

As moms we have to make tough decisions. Decisions that we know can change the course of our lives and the lives of our little ones. While my oldest Charlize finishes off her last year of elementary school it all begins to feel so real. I do hope I chose the right high school for her, because from this point forward a lot of tough decisions I used to have to make,  she will have to make now too.

Even if your days feel too short filled with scooting the kiddos to daycare or school, work, then routine supper and bed; I do hope you find the time in between to savour the moments. Even once a day. It can certainly be cuddling up with them at night, or taking a weekend to camp with them-just do it. The grass can wait. Shopping can wait. Everything can wait. Because time does not, and soon enough you will (or do) understand what I mean ;)

I'd love to hear your thoughts, comments, and own experiences. Please share here in my comments section!


*As a little side note I just want to mention that I know there are thousands of parents who live with making harder decisions for their children and these above are simply my own. We all have our own paths to follow and crosses to bear. Kisses* 


Andrea C said...

You are making me cry. are soooooooooo right in all you are saying. It's such a hard line to walk and feel 100% sure it's the right one. Life is crazy, beautiful, angering, soothing, exciting, scary and so much more. Hmph, why do we always have to remind ourselves to be in the moment and really savor it? I think we are sometimes to hard on ourselves for trying to do it all the right way all the time that we sometimes lose sight of what makes us happy. Usually it's the simplest time spent with family and friends. No big plans required. Xxoo

Bianca Davila said...

Exactly Andrea! I also just read an article on Huffington Post this afternoon that says Denmark is the best place to raise kids and the reasons are not surprising! Spending more quality time with kids (for those who don't) no homework before age 10, 4 day work weeks, support for families, etc, etc. It's interesting anyway how far behind we are as a nation at times!

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